Invitation to Joy

C. S. Lewis in “The Screwtape Letters” reminded us that God alone is the author of pleasure and though Satan exploits it for his own devious ends, he cannot create one pleasure.  In fact, his only interest in pleasure is as bait.  For once the capture takes place, his intention is to remove quickly the satisfaction of pleasure and replace it with unfulfilled desire.

Well, that is exactly how he lured and trapped me.  I went for the gold ring, only to find it wasn’t even brass.  It was hellish.  I now realize that my faith was not as strong as I thought it was.  It was not rooted in fertile soil.  It was rooted in shallow soil (me) and so was easily wilted.  I still believed in God, but had never really given Jesus control of my life.  In fact, I did not realize just how far astray I had gone from knowing Jesus as a child, to questioning if He really was the Son of God or just a good man.  I had studied mysticism and used Ouija boards, and read many books on witchcraft.  I didn’t realize how my beliefs had changed.

A lifetime of wrong choices, of looking to others for my happiness, of thinking if only I had this or that.  I misused sex and pursued money by chasing the ‘better lifestyle’.  In my selfishness, I hurt many people, never accepting responsibility for my actions, always justifying my actions by saying they deserved it because they had not lived up to the expectations I had set for them.  I was married and divorced repeatedly, looking for the perfect mate, discarding each for whatever reason.  I went so far as to knowingly hurt someone I had been married to for seventeen years and loved deeply, yet felt helpless to stop myself.  I was clearly out of control--all the time thinking I was in control.

In looking for my source of happiness in others and in things, I had usurped Jesus’ position in my life and given it to idols.  I had always felt superior to people I felt worshipped idols, not even realizing that I was doing the same thing.  Anything, other than Jesus, that we look to for our happiness and joy in life is a false god--an idol.  We should look to Jesus for our joy.

I pushed Jesus to the back of my mind for so long that I forgot what His voice sounded like.  So long in fact, that as I tried to change my life and be a ‘good Christian’, thinking I was listening to the voice of Jesus, I now know that in reality, I was listening to the tempter’s lying voice.  He tells us to ‘just try harder’ knowing all the while we will fail and remain under his control.  I know now that if what we are hearing is not something in keeping with Jesus’ character; as taught in the Bible, we should test the spirit by asking God if this is of Him.  He will always confirm what is of Him.

I tried very hard to change my life, but we just aren’t able in our humanity to do that.  Old habits and patterns of sin are hard to give up, even though we hate them.  It is all we know.  So, no matter how hard I tried on my own--I failed.  Even though I felt that I was a ‘Christian’, I never really felt ‘saved’.  I always hoped I would go to Heaven but never had the assurance that I would.  Somehow, I never felt that my sins were forgiven and after awhile, I felt that I was so deep in sin that there was no hope for me.  Satan loves to tell us we are so bad that God will never forgive us.  (This is a lie.)

I tried reading the Bible during those times while I was struggling to change, but the words were just there on the page.  There were not alive and open to me.  They made a good story, but they were not for me.  So I soon gave up.

I reached a point of such deep despair, that I was at the point of suicide.  I had sinned big time even by society’s standards and now was going to have to pay life’s consequences.  I felt I could not do it and it would be the end of the world.  The shame was too great.  I would rather die than face the shame.  I hated the person I had become.

Now, I am sure I was frustrating Jesus who was watching and waiting for me to take a step of faith.  For He is different from Satan who just pushes his way into our lives every chance he gets.  Jesus is a respecter of our wishes and waits to be invited before entering and taking control of our lives.

As long as I kept saying “I can’t take much more of this”, Jesus must have been thinking, “I guess she means she can still take some more”, so He just waited patiently, letting me take more until I finally said, “God, I just can’t take this anymore.  Please tell me what it is you want me to do, and give me the strength to do it.”  He said that I could only come to Him after making a decision about the true identity of Jesus.  He asked me if I believed Jesus was His Son and if so, would I accept Jesus as king in my life and abide by His teaching.

He said I had to take a step of faith by calling out to Jesus and asking him for His help.  I was tired of trying and failing, so I said that I would take this step of faith, but that He would have to give me His strength, for I had no more of my own.  When I finally reached that point of broken spirit and submission, He lifted me up and gave me the strength to do what I had to do and showed me the way out of my predicament by going through it.  “God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”  (1 Corinthians. 10:13)  But, we must ask Him.

I found that it really was the end of the world as I had known it.  For He gave me a new heart, a new life and a new world.  My new world included the new understanding that my only hope was Jesus, and without Him, I was totally lost.  But with His gift of Grace, and the strength He would provide, I could withstand anything.

But Satan doesn’t give up so easily.  There was a big war for my soul.  Nine months of sporadic spiritual warfare finally came to a head and I was incapacitated for ten days for the final battle.  Satan had many of his demons on hand.  I had never even believed in demons, much less seen one.  Each in his own turn accused me of each and every past sin that I had committed.  That’s why it took ten days.  I acknowledged that I had indeed committed that sin and confessed to Jesus that I was ashamed and sorry and asked for His forgiveness.  As He gave it, He said that I had to tell the demon to leave in order to be rid of him.  I told each demon in turn that he no longer had any permission to be in my life as I would only bow to Jesus as my king.  Each demon in his turn was banished as they must when presented with the truth and choice of Jesus the risen Christ.

Then Jesus gave me a tingling all over my body and took me up to the cross with Him.  With His body surrounding and glowing through me I hung on the cross with Him and heard all the sneers and accusations.  He deserved none of them.  I deserved them all.  He said to me, “Eva, I did this for you.”  He told me He had already taken on all my sin and paid the price, so that I would not have to.  I think He showed Himself alive to me and gave me that vivid vision to prove to me that what had taken place during the preceding week had really taken place and was not the product of my imagination, and should not be taken lightly nor be easily forgotten.

Then for the first time in my life I knew I was saved.  He had forgiven my sins and said He would remember them no more and that I should forgive myself also.  I had never been able to do this before, but now I found I could.  All those years, I had been judging myself and condemning myself and never giving Him a chance to show that none of that was necessary, because He had already paid the price for those sins and forgiven me.  It was only necessary for me to accept that forgiveness.

Here I was like both Judas and Peter.  Like Peter, I had denied Him--only I did it for years.  I was being like Judas all those years, being remorseful but not broken and repentant.  If I had actually followed through with the suicide, then I would have been condemned with no way of forgiveness.

By the Grace of God, like Peter, I was broken and realized that Jesus was my only hope and by being broken and asking for forgiveness, Jesus not only forgave me, He healed me and now says He can use me for His purposes.  For in my weakness He has made me strong.

Now I know the meaning of the phrase “the peace that passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7a), for I also feel a peace that is far beyond understanding.  I now know joy instead of despair.

I finally reached the point where I could tell Jesus that I had made a mess of my life and was tired of making all the wrong choices because I always had to be in control.  I asked Him to take control of my life and give me the strength to live my life the way He wanted.  Instead of feeling the loss of control, or feeling under someone else’s thumb, or like a slave--I now have more freedom than ever.  That is hard to explain.  By being totally dependent, I am actually more free and full of unexplainable joy.

Now, I truly understand what Jesus meant when He said “and you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free” (John 8:32)  Now I am truly free--set free from the bondage of sin by Jesus. 

Now, when the pressures of the world bear down on me and I am feeling far from Him and a little lonely for His presence, I just say, “Holy Spirit I need to feel your presence.  Please let me know you are here and give me your comfort.”  He then gives me a sense of peace and that special tingling all over as if to say--

“I’m still here waiting, you just had your mind on other things.  Put your mind on me and you will feel my presence and comfort.”

That’s not to say, that all is rosy and life no longer presents it’s temptations.  That means that when those temptations come, instead of trying on my own to overcome them as I had in the past--with no success, I now talk to Jesus and tell Him my problem and tell Him I am helpless and ask for His strength to overcome this temptation and He is faithful to give me His strength and then the struggle is gone, for He takes it.

Habits that I had never been able to give up and had felt that to give them up would leave a void in my life, have gone from my life without much difficulty.  It is hard to understand myself; much less explain in any believable fashion.  There is no sense of loss.  There is no void.  He fills those areas of my life now and is far more fulfilling than anything I have ever experienced before.  I only know that I am a different person now and I like who I am now.  My old self is truly dead and I am now reborn a new person with Jesus at the controls continually cleansing more areas of my life.

I was convinced that Jesus would never use a person with my sin background for any position in His army.  On the contrary, He says that it is that very sin background and the subsequent change in my life that He will use to shine His light in the world and show others, who knew me during both that sin life and the new life He has given me.

He will let them see the change and recognize that they too can be rescued from their bondage and share in the joy that I now possess.

I want you to know the source of my joy--Jesus Christ--and I want to share that joy with you.

The Miraculous Metamorphosis

Before Jesus reigned in my life, I was like a caterpillar with an insatiable desire for more of everything, never satisfied.  I felt I was to be trampled underfoot and trapped in my world of sin.

Then through faith in Jesus, I was changed to the beautiful butterfly--free to fly and bring His joy to others.

God’s Plan and Gift

 For You

God chose you to be His child.

God wants to give you a new heart and a new life for now and eternity.

His gift is yours --

        -- you must just accept it.

·       “Level with God”

        .....about your past

·       Accept His forgiveness

·       Invite Jesus into your life

God’s Word says:

“Come, let’s talk this over!” says the Lord; “no matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow.”

                Isaiah 1:18a (Living Bible)

Prayer

Dear Lord Jesus:

I confess that my life is a shambles due to the sins of my own choosing and that my only hope is in you dear Jesus...

I believe you are truly God’s Son.  I accept you as my savior and I ask you to reign in my life as my Lord and my King.

I want you to take control of my life for the glory of God the Father, You the Son and your shared Holy Spirit.

I ask this in Your precious Name Jesus.

Signed:

Date:

Then Jesus said to his disciples,

          “If any want to become my followers, let them deny

           themselves and take up their cross and follow me....

          For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose

           their life for my sake shall find it.  - Matthew 16: 24-25

This invitation was written at the urging of the Holy Spirit.

I pray that through it, you will find enlightenment and JOY.

© 1989 Eva McAllen

Butterfly Publishing